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WHY DO I LOVE FOOD MORE THAN I LOVE THAT WAY I LOOK WHEN I'M HEALTHY, SKINNY, AND HOT?
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY ?!

& all those who look down on me - I’m tearing down your balcony.

I went home for a few days. It felt great, it always does when I get to spend one-on-one time with my family. My brother graduated eighth grade. Let me mention something about this picture. I'm wearing HUGE heels, AND I'm 5'7". ridiculous how big that boy is. but he's so handsome. :]
anyway, hell week is officially over. it did its duty I suppose, my stomach really has shrunk. I go all day without eating now and I'm not having any hunger pains. today all I ate was a cheese enchilada frozen meal. which on Weight Watchers, it was only 7 points. so I think that was a win.
I wish I had kept my weight off when I did Weight Watchers. because it really does work, but it gets soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo old. I hated stressing everyday about how many points I had left and I always ended up eating the same things over and over. so that's why I've kinda boycotted it...
but I figure if I really just eat one small meal a day, I'll definitely lose weight. I mean really, if I don't....I'm just going to be chubby forever, what-the-fuck-ever.
no.
I want to be HOT. DAMNIT.
I watched New Moon for the second time while I was home. yes I love the Twilight junk, judge me. but watching it gave me more motivation oddly. Bella is tiny, and she looks so dainty and cute when she's being held. and I was insanely jealous..kinda weird. but oh well. I'm weird anyway.
you see, I'm weird about wanting to be considered "dainty."
I've always been a bigger girl. well, not always BIGGER, as in fat like I've gotten to be recently, but I've always been taller, wider, bigger hands, etc....
I. fucking. hate. it.
but I figure once I'm skinny, being hot will be better than being dainty.
maybe.
hopefully.
because there's nothing I can do about these paws I've got.
ahhhahaha, I just tripped myself out.
anyway, I got off work early, which is a blesssinggggg and a half. my shoes still have not come in, and the ones I'm having to wear HUURRTT soooooo bad. my feet are literally throbbing right now. and my shoes have no traction, and at Chili's the floors are terribly slick. so I can't wait until I will be able to stop waddling when I sit customers.
I don't have much else going on. I just really really really want to be hot. I might be a but-her-head, but damnit right I'm a but-her-anything...
ha, here's an interjection-here lately I've been trying to wear eyeliner. it's nooott working and I wish I could quit trying.
anyway. I really want to be hot and pretty and dainty and all that. I want to change. and I've always felt this way, and I've always gotten really motivated for like, a month and then I'll quit. So I've earned the reputation of being a quitter. and I'm not a fan. so I'm going to change.

¡diario numero dos!

so yesterday doesn't seem like it was real life.
word to this wise-if you everr have a true emergency, don't waste your time by going to the Natchitoches ER. they didn't even do blood work on me. they put a stethoscope on my belly, told me to breathe, and then deemed me okay and gave me a pamphlet on menstruation like I was 12 years old and didn't know why I bleed every month. ughh.
anyway.
I had eaten my cereal like usual, and I was going to eat my meal around 5:45, but that's when all my stuff happened and then my best friend and I were in the ER until 11:00ish. we were traumatized and STARVING, so we decided that even though one of our rules was "don't eat after 6:00pm" we deserved some soul food.
which of course led us to Taco Bell.
needless to say it is almost 1:00 in the afternoon and I am STILL full.
so I think I'm going to skip my cereal today and just stick with my one meal.
yeah that sounds good.

So I got hired at Chili's as a host. I'm pretty excited. it's sooo hard to get hired in Natchitoches and I'm soo thankful I found a job. and it's pretty good money and I have a feeling they're not going to have a problem with working me to death. so that's good. I go in today at four, but I won't be in uniform so I'm assuming I'm just going to be filling out papers and stuff. they said I'll probably start training Saturday! so yay.

I'm not a very interesting blogger. especially since I'm not going to provide details about why I went to the ER. sorry about that.

I'll do better.

err..hi there.

so it's been years since I've blogged. let's see if I've still got the patience and the cleverness to keep readers.

um, my title. it perfectly explains me. you see, I created this blog many many months ago. I can't remember how many. but it was a day that I was like, YES, I'M GOING TO FOR REAL LOSE WEIGHT THIS TIME AND I'M GONNA BLOG ABOUT IT. so I created this thing...and did I diet?
no.
fail.
So here I am, a few months later, day 5 of "hell week." My best friend and I decided that we are going to be hot by the end of the summer. [and damnit I really really want to be hot.] So Sunday we started a only-eat-a-small-bowl-of-cereal-and-one-other-meal thing. to shrink our stomachs. speaking for myself, it's been ridiculous how much I was eating on a daily basis. I know there's a calorie counter somewhere out there, but I've just been too chicken to go put my food in and actually see how much I've been putting in my stomach. I used to be smart about what I ate at least, but here lately I just haven't cared. but I'm tired of not caring, tired of going shopping for pants and their biggest size being too tight on my elephant thighs. that's so embarrassing. I was so embarrassed shopping for khakis last night. but if I'm going to blog I guess I need to get over being embarrassed, right? ehh.
I'm not going to put my weight on here, because it's embarrassing. childish, I know. but. it's ridiculous how much I've let myself go and I'm not ready to let the world know. I think I do a good job of hiding my weight, but I'm tired of having to hide. I want to be hot damnit.

I've lost 4lbs since Sunday according to my scale. that seems wrong, but maybe my body is so excited that I'm not suffocating it with food it's reacting enthusiastically.

I'll try to keep up with this thing. we'll see.