Starvation Nation, Population: Me.

I suck at life.

at this moment in time, I have a Pasta Breadbowl from Domino's on the way. lol.

Nah, I don't suck, I just went through a slump. But the personal trainer at New Attitude's has written out a complete nutrition plan for me to follow for the next two weeks that start tomorrow. It's going to be really hard. but ya know, I think I've had a retarded mindset that losing the rest of my weight was going to be easy, and that's the reason I've been stuck on this plateau. so I'm kinda excited for a new challenge. I really am just tired of not being where I've been wanting to be for the past 8 months. ugh, 8 months. I should have lost 50 pounds by now! I'm not going to be down on myself. I have done a lot and I am proud. Tomorrow starts the next step. No cheating, no more slumps. By summer I will be where I want to be! :] but today, I'm going to eat what I want for the last time for a while. lol.

ok, so I'm texting a guy that my mom kinda set me up with. lol, kinda embarrassing but whatever. He's super nice...but honestly I just look at a relationship with such...I don't know. like I HATE the idea of it. :/ I just want a close guy friend. relationships get complicated and drama where people get mad and hurt and stress out all of the time. but we'll see how this works out. only complaint so far--he's super country. three of the questions that he has asked me: "are you a country girl?", "do you like to two step or three step?" and "do you wear boots at all?". -_- all of which were asked completely randomly. lol. whatever. as long as I'm in this town that's the type that's gonna roll up! but I love being here, so that's ok. for now. ;]

just to get off of Facebook...

I'm pretty much just on here to get away from everything that's going on. One of my classmates passed away today, from overdosing on drugs. Stuff like this always bothers me down to my core, regardless if I know the person very well or not. I am an extremely empathetic person, and all the pain I'm seeing on Facebook is a bit too much for me because I feel it all. Not only that, but the guy was my best friend from here's first love. I can't imagine what she's going through. I mean yeah, she's married and has a baby girl with someone else, but still. It's just tearing me up thinking about all the pain everyone is going through. He even left behind a baby boy. :( R.I.P. Brett Solley.

Okay, now to get my mind off of that.

My last post was full of positivity and I made myself seem like I was doing AWESOME...but that's totally not true. :/ I went on like a three week splurge that I feel has affected everything! I guess it was a way of venting my frustration of my plateau. but it was dumb and I am DONE. As of today I am just as serious about my weight loss as I was when I began in August. because summer is rolling around....!! and I am not bikini ready, as much as I have lost. :( Last night I put on my bikini that I've had foreverrrr, I mean, I haven't bought a new one since my senior year of high school. I guess I had the mindset that I didn't deserve a new one since I looked like crap in the one I have. lol. but anyway, I put it on and got Nana to take some pictures, so I can have a "before" view. I really wish I would have done that in August, but I hated the way I looked so bad that I just wanted to forget that I ever looked that way. haha. ehh. I also took measurements of my chest, arm, waist, belly, hips, thigh, and calf. because they always say when you work out you lose inches before pounds. and since Kirbi and I are starting this body builder workout schedule, I'm hoping it's going to jump start the rest of my weight loss! I also bought Alli...which I kind of regret now after reading all of the side effects. but...I'll give it a go in a few days, terrified as I am.

but overall, I AM GUNG HO AGAIN. I will reach my goal. :]



I really like this one.

err....hi.

a few things have changed:

-I'm not longer in Natchitoches. I moved back home mostly because I wasn't happy. Natch is the epitome of negativity and I was beginning to hate myself, and that was healthy. now I feel whole and happy. :]

-I changed my major to ultrasound. it has always been what I wanted to do, but I was always too afraid. now with this new-found positivity and confidence, I believe I can accomplish anything I want!

- I'm 35 pounds lighter. :]]]]]




YES! I finally made a decision and stuck with it. I started weight watchers in August, and I dropped 30lbs by December. It was amazing. I started going to the gym in January, and it has become part of my daily life! Which had always been a goal for me. But here's the thing...I've only lost 5lbs since and it's April. I'm STUCK. I want to reach 135 but I am completely stuck at 150. It's so frustrating. I'm starting a six week program with my friend Kirbi Monday, and I'm hoping it's going to push me through the end of this plateau. I'm not doing weight watchers anymore, because they changed the program and it wasn't working anymore for me. :( so I've kinda bounced back and forth between SlimFast and just eating 1200 calories a day. I'm just ready to be at my goal! I feel like I should be there by now. :/ but I'm not giving up...Summer is just around the corner and I will not be ignoring pool invitations.

I may keep blogging, I may not. I feel like I should. No one really reads this and I need to post things NOT on Twitter 24/7. lol. I think I'm annoying my followers!

<3 <3 <3

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WHY DO I LOVE FOOD MORE THAN I LOVE THAT WAY I LOOK WHEN I'M HEALTHY, SKINNY, AND HOT?
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY ?!

& all those who look down on me - I’m tearing down your balcony.

I went home for a few days. It felt great, it always does when I get to spend one-on-one time with my family. My brother graduated eighth grade. Let me mention something about this picture. I'm wearing HUGE heels, AND I'm 5'7". ridiculous how big that boy is. but he's so handsome. :]
anyway, hell week is officially over. it did its duty I suppose, my stomach really has shrunk. I go all day without eating now and I'm not having any hunger pains. today all I ate was a cheese enchilada frozen meal. which on Weight Watchers, it was only 7 points. so I think that was a win.
I wish I had kept my weight off when I did Weight Watchers. because it really does work, but it gets soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo old. I hated stressing everyday about how many points I had left and I always ended up eating the same things over and over. so that's why I've kinda boycotted it...
but I figure if I really just eat one small meal a day, I'll definitely lose weight. I mean really, if I don't....I'm just going to be chubby forever, what-the-fuck-ever.
no.
I want to be HOT. DAMNIT.
I watched New Moon for the second time while I was home. yes I love the Twilight junk, judge me. but watching it gave me more motivation oddly. Bella is tiny, and she looks so dainty and cute when she's being held. and I was insanely jealous..kinda weird. but oh well. I'm weird anyway.
you see, I'm weird about wanting to be considered "dainty."
I've always been a bigger girl. well, not always BIGGER, as in fat like I've gotten to be recently, but I've always been taller, wider, bigger hands, etc....
I. fucking. hate. it.
but I figure once I'm skinny, being hot will be better than being dainty.
maybe.
hopefully.
because there's nothing I can do about these paws I've got.
ahhhahaha, I just tripped myself out.
anyway, I got off work early, which is a blesssinggggg and a half. my shoes still have not come in, and the ones I'm having to wear HUURRTT soooooo bad. my feet are literally throbbing right now. and my shoes have no traction, and at Chili's the floors are terribly slick. so I can't wait until I will be able to stop waddling when I sit customers.
I don't have much else going on. I just really really really want to be hot. I might be a but-her-head, but damnit right I'm a but-her-anything...
ha, here's an interjection-here lately I've been trying to wear eyeliner. it's nooott working and I wish I could quit trying.
anyway. I really want to be hot and pretty and dainty and all that. I want to change. and I've always felt this way, and I've always gotten really motivated for like, a month and then I'll quit. So I've earned the reputation of being a quitter. and I'm not a fan. so I'm going to change.

¡diario numero dos!

so yesterday doesn't seem like it was real life.
word to this wise-if you everr have a true emergency, don't waste your time by going to the Natchitoches ER. they didn't even do blood work on me. they put a stethoscope on my belly, told me to breathe, and then deemed me okay and gave me a pamphlet on menstruation like I was 12 years old and didn't know why I bleed every month. ughh.
anyway.
I had eaten my cereal like usual, and I was going to eat my meal around 5:45, but that's when all my stuff happened and then my best friend and I were in the ER until 11:00ish. we were traumatized and STARVING, so we decided that even though one of our rules was "don't eat after 6:00pm" we deserved some soul food.
which of course led us to Taco Bell.
needless to say it is almost 1:00 in the afternoon and I am STILL full.
so I think I'm going to skip my cereal today and just stick with my one meal.
yeah that sounds good.

So I got hired at Chili's as a host. I'm pretty excited. it's sooo hard to get hired in Natchitoches and I'm soo thankful I found a job. and it's pretty good money and I have a feeling they're not going to have a problem with working me to death. so that's good. I go in today at four, but I won't be in uniform so I'm assuming I'm just going to be filling out papers and stuff. they said I'll probably start training Saturday! so yay.

I'm not a very interesting blogger. especially since I'm not going to provide details about why I went to the ER. sorry about that.

I'll do better.

err..hi there.

so it's been years since I've blogged. let's see if I've still got the patience and the cleverness to keep readers.

um, my title. it perfectly explains me. you see, I created this blog many many months ago. I can't remember how many. but it was a day that I was like, YES, I'M GOING TO FOR REAL LOSE WEIGHT THIS TIME AND I'M GONNA BLOG ABOUT IT. so I created this thing...and did I diet?
no.
fail.
So here I am, a few months later, day 5 of "hell week." My best friend and I decided that we are going to be hot by the end of the summer. [and damnit I really really want to be hot.] So Sunday we started a only-eat-a-small-bowl-of-cereal-and-one-other-meal thing. to shrink our stomachs. speaking for myself, it's been ridiculous how much I was eating on a daily basis. I know there's a calorie counter somewhere out there, but I've just been too chicken to go put my food in and actually see how much I've been putting in my stomach. I used to be smart about what I ate at least, but here lately I just haven't cared. but I'm tired of not caring, tired of going shopping for pants and their biggest size being too tight on my elephant thighs. that's so embarrassing. I was so embarrassed shopping for khakis last night. but if I'm going to blog I guess I need to get over being embarrassed, right? ehh.
I'm not going to put my weight on here, because it's embarrassing. childish, I know. but. it's ridiculous how much I've let myself go and I'm not ready to let the world know. I think I do a good job of hiding my weight, but I'm tired of having to hide. I want to be hot damnit.

I've lost 4lbs since Sunday according to my scale. that seems wrong, but maybe my body is so excited that I'm not suffocating it with food it's reacting enthusiastically.

I'll try to keep up with this thing. we'll see.